Wednesday, November 28, 2012,7:06 PM
you cant make this ish up .. baconater and gunshots
So my loves the coffee is a brewing and apparently I have fu%$#* up and let this is spill , cuz all the raw sugar has fell out of the packet. I cant make this ish up , so yesterday the kid was simply leaving work same schedule every day when all of the sudden im hearing horns, what in the french toast is going on ..so I turn around only to see this good looking cup of caramel macchiato flagging me down , holing up his ring finger , hes doing his damest to get me to answer , being the good Samaritan that I am I decided to follow him to the gas station. Now lets set the table ... here he is in the car me in mine we roll down our windows ( i felt like i was in the heart to heart opening) all you old heads know what i mean , yet i digress , he looks at me with his premium roast eyes and proceeds to tell me this ... man i had to stop you miss lady to tell you how fine you are , i felt that if i didn't get a chance to tell u that my day wouldn't right. Well.. Well .. Well aren't we a smooth criminal . What happened you ask .. dare i say i gave him my number, dare i say that as we drive away me on my way to Walmart him to his destination i was grinning like a treasure cat i mean ear to ear. Dont get it twisted coffees1stluv is no slouch im a straight quarter working on a dollar status ,but the recession has hit me hard and the coffee was reduced from stark bucks to store bought . No sooner than I get to Walmart then i receive a phone call.. Hello ms lady this is .... had to thank you once again for allowing me to pleasure of talking to you .. blah blah blah , i know hes laying it on thicker than caro syrup on a pecan pie but hell im up for a meal. Scene 2 : we have now set up a meeting to meet ... i know cue in the hearts and puppies .. the moment has finally arrived ive prepped and now i will meet you again for the very first time. This feels like match .com has come to my home and said here's a free trail of man , granted you've only met him one time and you were both in your car , then it happens the knock at the door.. i open the door with breathless anticipation , i open the door im r kelly coming out of the closet the climax is building , and what in the french toast .. before me is the same cute carmel maccchiato with the premium roast eyes but hes stadling before me with one leg crooked, let me describe my visual his leg looks like a broken toothpick and what makes it worse is as he proceeds to wiggle in the door he states , oooh yea i had got shot a couple mnths ago and just done use the crutches. now lets not get this twisted im all for my handicappable peers, but this was a trip he has use of the one leg and instead of walking with a limp he has proceeded to now wiggle around like a worm on two feet.. this was a painful looking experience. Now this is where the coffee went from hot to stale , so it turns out what took you so long to get to me is that you state you have a girlfriend you don't want to mess up home ( ooh did i mention the backpack with the change of clothes and a condom) and your Oliver twist tales continue. Match.com 1 meeting at the store after being flagged down by a gunshot victim and hearing his tale of woe after he tries to sleep with you .. priceless.. you cant make this ish up, I only share these things with you to keep you abreast of the excitement that is me. Later that same night ( yea I said it .. adds to the drama) my gryl shorty is doing my hair and textting a paramour Being that he is in pursuit of her and hunger was upon us we requested that he perform the mission of all missions... go good son and don't come bck until you have conquered the baconater cheeseburger for us .. simple..... NO .. this became the request to end all requests , the text which just minutes before were coming faster than bombs over Baghdad have halted... he is now stating that he will never pay for a girl and that how dare you ask for such a thing. Turns out that he was needing permission to use his moms car for the nite and being that it was late curfew was near. So here I sit no baconater in my hand still in hot pursuit of one but what i do have and will not let go of is that coffee so till next time jus gve me 2 creamers 3 sugars and ill holla .....
Monday, November 19, 2012,7:15 PM
bologna is a fruit
i know..... i know...... ive been gone longer than a Twinkies in a fat kids hands, but im here now and i have to once again catch you up on the misadventure that i refer to as my life. now lets get started i have recently returned to the states after traveling abroad, yes i said it the coffee is now an international ground bean and i must say that life abroad is good. well minus the lower pay and not being able to drink the water, but i digress. so i traveled to mexico for work let me start by saying that mexico is a lovely country full of beautiful people food and dirty water, the perks of which came in the form of becoming an overnite celebrity since coffees1stluv is a dark roast and they dont come that way in mexico i was treated like a queen of the proverbial nile. while there i zip lined , took pictures in sesame street ( yes they have an actual sesame street)and drank some of that dirty water. i learned a couple of things on my mission abroad 1. drinking the water wont backfire till u get home .. trust me a no go on that one 2. the taxi drivers are insane and 3. mexico is simply California on Spanish. now let me expound on this .. the taxi drivers are unlike anything ive ever experienced , now i heard tales of wild taxi rides , however when you've actually watched as ur taxi driver whom you've just flagged down almost causes a multi car pile up you begin to appreciate the simplicity that is driving. here's the situation i was hungry , that's how every story begins .. i was hungry and my coworker and i decide when in mexico we eat as the Mexicans do ,so naturally we went to chili's .. now the ride there was uneventful regular taxi ride driver made it there no problem , it was on the way back that all the excitement of twilight premier began. lets set the stage , two young Americans lets say they are a darker shade of brown are flagging down various taxi , no luck .. with frustration in there hearts they are about to give up when alas, a lone driver coming down the street stops for our ladies in wait , but halt who is this behind him , ooh that's only the 4 other cars behind him that were driving at the same speed of 65 in a 40, i know i know bite ur nails .. now the question becomes do our heroines get in to the cab or merely wave him off , the m man has just stopped in traffic barely escaping a multicar pile up all in the pursuit of a tip of 50 pesos. now let me explain to you that 50 pesos is no where near as much money as it sounds like its the equivalent of $5 u.s... but back to my story so our heroines full from authentic Mexican food from chili's decide what the hay lets wing it , whats a pile up between friends. being that between the two of us we wouldn't be able to teach a full episode of Dora the explorer it becomes more of a adventure when the taxi driver takes off and proceeds to almost hit another 5 cars in the attempt to get us back to our hotel which ironically is only 2 blocks away. so why is bologna a fruit .. im glad u asked .. the question is posed when ur in another country that you cant speak the language in and taxi driver asks you for directions on how to get back to your hotel.. what kinda sense does that make , that's like the mail man asking where someones house is .. hence the bologna is a fruit, what the ...... exactly.. i tell you people life is an adventure so you might as well sit in your chair grab your cup of coffee , hey out 2 creamers 3 sugars in mine and ill holla