• I’m on my  LL don't call it a comeback ,  the coffee is brewing and while i have a minute i want to share a tale with you my 5 ... 2  fans. I'm sitting at home this weekend watching this year’s new breakout drama braking Amish when it had me think back when i first moved down south. I don’t know if was the country setting or the vast amount of cows that i kept seeing in the show but a question came to my mind. What in the French toast is sweet milk? Initially i had to discover this bit of information on my own and i like to take a minute just sit right back and I’ll tell you how i came to know about the sweet milk. Picture it a humid summer day in the dirty magnolia my grandfather says to me   baby go to the store for your granddaddy and get me some sweet milk for my cornbread. A simple request you could hear the Walton music swelling behind us the moment was so pure.  To the store I trek in search of sweet milk, now it never occurred to me that at the time i had no clue what sweet milk or even why you would eat this with cornbread. See coffees1stluv was brewed in California and moved to the dirty magnolia later on, but i digress. I arrive at the store  mission  operation sweet milk  of course my  first instinct is to  go to the sweetened condensed milk , hence the sweet milk , but then I thought  this  may not be right  for 1. Its stupid think and 2. That’s not a good mix with cornbread. Oh well onward and up , i trudge to the back of the store to see  cue in the heavenly  milk angels  all the milk , Im mean   whole milk, 2%,1%, soy , chocolate and even the classic strawberry but alas no sweet milk .So  of course im in the wrong place i  go back to my previous stop the condensed milk , mind you i do this back and forth  process about  6 times , making the workers nervous as i  now look as  if  im plotting case the joint. Finally a kind young man let’s call him Johnny sweet milk stops me and sensing my distress asks a question I’ll never forget ... Mam caaaan I help you, maybe it was the perplexed look on my face that had him worried he could sense the coffee was about to boil over, I turn to him and ask the question that has perplexed me for the last 15 minutes, where is your sweet milk.. He in turn with  a look of  confusion , you know that this is  too obvious  i can’t believe you don’t know sticks out his  milky sweet milk finger and points, there it is again that dam  heavenly music as he  points to ... The dam  whole milk ! Music stops the choir sits down and a cow jumps over the moon. I look staring and take my gallon of whole milk home, where my grandfather proceeds to laugh at my tale of woe. In my mind i placed him in a home for the  sweet milk criminals, to this day  anytime i see him with some whole milk and cornbread i   have to keep myself from knocking it to the ground and screaming  like  mommy dearest NO MORE SWEEEEET MILLLLLLK .......... 

The coffee is  hot   twitches so pour a cup and  riddle me this . How is it that  social media has come to  break up so many step-ford homes, you know the ones that seem happy until X posts a status  unrelated to Y and then G jumps in and feel some type of way  . Well this has just happened to my friend nurses aide, so  nurses aide is a  bright  girl head on her shoulders looking for love as many of us are, had  met a seemingly nice  young man we can call Baby Boy Jody. Nurses Aide calls me today to ask a simple question .. if i post a status that densest mention you and you become offended is that my problem or yours? So e being coffees1stluv i drooped my 2 creamers and  3 sugars off in my cup and i hollered this , naw  that's there problem , now the irony is that as we are having this conversation  the melodic sounds of ms Carly Simon are playing on my computer , the song you ask .. Your so vain . Yes truer words were never spoken and  hit so many nerves you would think you hit a  emotional funny bone , your so vain you probable think this song is about you ... Now don't get me wrong  I would never want you to say but coffee your putting baby boy Jody out there like he's  unjustified, no this is certainly not the case. Lets play court shall we, i open with the case of baby boy Jody vs Facebook statues . The said status was a general opinion of men that in the opinion of nurses aide needed to step of there caliber of stepping to a woman , meaning that you have to  come correct with all items  in tact or at the very least  getting there. At no time did said status  ever indicate any one person to single out in any way , thus the  ugly stepsister syndrome. Whats that ? I m glad you asked we all know and love the story of Cinderella , well she was a smart  lovely girl who probably smelled like pine and had the face of a Disney princess, but that  girl had patience so when  prince charming  came around she sat back and waited for the news to come to her unlike her troll faced ugly stepsisters who feeling some kinda way barged and put there foot in when it had nothing to do with them i.e. baby boy Jody. So this leads me to believe that he was either at home or work and received a notification about a status , i imagine his face aglow with  excitement as he sees it is nurses aide whom he likes writing about men , then something happens his face becomes sour like hes eaten a lemon or he has the gurgles.. but i digress .. he reads the status that is not about him , a status that he has not been tagged in and shouldn't be concerned with , as baby boy Jody is a had working man with not 1 but 2 jobs , co parenting a child , has his own. It is then perplexing that  baby boy Jody would feel the need to  text nurses aide and ask as to what this status is about and that she would need o get it together and proceed to attempt at verbal warfare. baby boy Jody had now entered the Mitch faze , he has become a male bitch , cackling and arguing with a girl with his ugly stepsister mentality . I just had to take a moment while we were all together to explain that men this is not sexy in the least, you have become a male lesbian , so stop being so vain the song really isn't about you. Now hat you can do is saunter to the counter grab me another cup of coffee i take 2 creamers 3 sugars and ill holla

its been 5 days  2 hrs and 32 mins , and i feel that  the color is just now  beginning to come  back to my face. i can now walk into the store and purchase jolly ranchers, skittles, runts  all without tingling, and as i  sit before you i am not afraid to admit that my name is coffees1stluv  and im ..........A CANDY CRUSH ADDICT ..... dramatic pause .. look over room as  various people hold there  phones tighter than wranglers hold a cowboy . how did this come to be you ask , well im not unlike any of you , i tried to avoid the wave that was  sweeping across my peers like the latest remake of the electric slide ( Que in the the cupid shuffle, big girl back it up , etc) but  just like the gateway drug that it  is the  shiny allure of all that  candy  came to  me  one night . i remember like it was  yesterday , well  actually i remember like it was 5 days ago , thats when i was ... dare i say it .. happy.. my friends had all been asking me .. coffee .. go on and try it  . its harmless .. send me a life .. nay nay  i would say  this is not  right i am but a  mere  being trying to expand my mind i will  sit here in this  coffee shop and  drink overpriced  Folgers and  day old scones and read  a book with  really  really big words in it  .. but this one night , i did it late at night under the cover of darkness i logged in, clicked and played . it started off simple  level 1 clear all your jelly .. hahha that was fun  lets go on level 2 ,3  in a matter of hours i was on level 25 and  feeling a  surge of energy ,a  high that no  chocolate has  been able to give me no .... coffee cup could contain me , then it happened i was  sending out requests for lives to  get off of level 65 and  getting upset with the little things , you know eating , the  phone tinging, work , these things were  cutting into my candy crush. i  hit bottom  5 days ago .. i was at the local coffee shop when i  ordered regular coffee a old scone and sat down to free wifi and candy crush , it was when i  lost all my lives that it happened .. i saw this  kid playing 2 tables over and  requested a  life , you know what that ungrateful little reject sperm did .... nothing something about dont talk to strangers and the like .. blah blah blah ...these dam kids i mean really what in the  french toast is a 16 yr old doing  in a coffee house  playing candy crush just sitting around flaunting there  lives !!!!! im mad  so mad so  its dark form there the last thing i remember is  grabbing the  child  by the collar and stuffing the  scone in there nose , but i dont know  but thats what the police report says . so now stand before you a broken coffee cup  with no lives  only a bag of skittles and  jolly ranchers to  get me through ... candy crush is the new crack  so dont say i didnt warn you i thank you for your time and if you need me  come to the coffee house on main ill be in the corner with 2 creamers 3 sugars and ill holla

ive been watching in session and investigation discovery so much  that i can get a case for them, i wasn't home  a couple days when it happened. Let me set the  stage , dim the lights grab your coffee and your scones because this is  some crazy ish. Picture it, Ryan's a buffet of   happy food ,honey butter and bread and sweet tea, my friends had taken me out for a welcome home dinner  we have eaten , drank , stuck a  few rolls and honey butter  in the purse for later and now were leaving. Then it happens .. i swear as i tell it  i hear the voice of Chris Hanson giving the commentary, it was a sleepy southern town, a  bright sunny day , who would've known that the jeep grand Cherokee killer was  loose.... yep .. intense it was just a walk back to the car this is how it started , a few friends walking back to their respective cars when a  man lets  say no more than  5'6 , brown hair , nice  smile  comes out of nowhere with a question .. Have you guys heard about the serial killer in the area.... now granted i hadn't  been home for  2 mnths  but my friends have been here all along mind you one works in the police department .. so the  look of confusion on all our faces  he proceeds , yea hes been killing little kids in the area ... wow , now that's  huge  OMG  kinda info so naturally were all like    who when where , we've never heard .... then it happens ... he  grins, looks at us  as hes now at his car a  mint green 1989 jeep grand Cherokee  with Montana tags and says  .. ooh i was just playing its a conversation starter ... WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST ............. at this point im so glad that im in such shock that i have walked to the wrong car.. and as quickly as  our killer  appeared he gets in his killer mobile and drives off . i tell you once ill  tell you again you cant make this ish up , and if that wasn't creepy enough that  very night ... we had a  road block going  home .... eeewwwww  i tell you  guys beware of stranger danger stick to your  dunkin doughnuts and coffee  make sure to get 2  creamers 3 sugars and ill holla

well my time is  winding down here in chic -fil -a but i  happened to  stop in my mind on a throwback , team gravy ! let me tell you how this came to  be.  when i  arrived in chic-fil-a i was  on my  mary tyler moore   you know all  bright eyed throwing my sunglasses in the sky ( breaking them in the process)  well now that  i think back on that, it was just plain stupid  but  i digress.. the only thing chic-fil-a does better than bacon is  chicken !  i mean they  loooooooove  chicken here which was why early on  in my quest for the chicken breast my mind  kept  coming back to  one commercial, KFC 99 pesos  mil lan  with gravy .. let me set the stage for you here  now the commercial comes on  you see the chicken all golden  brown  , chalk full of the colonels spices  a happy family then you see it .. a  chicken  leg  being dosed in .... gravy .. thick  beautiful gravy. i sit up mesmerized  see ive been to kfc in the states and we have gravy .. on the mashed potatoes , here they have a gravy station in which patrons  can  go over and  have the sweet sweet nectar of  gravy .. i watched the commercial so  much i felt kinda  dirty it was like a  weird food porn  but it had me wanting to go to kfc  get my chicken my rice and of course my gravy sit in a corner and poor it on sooooo slowly. and i did it dammit i got my chicken , my rice  and my gravy  sat in the corner and  poured  , i poured  that thick gravy till my  little chicken wing fell apart . thats  right  my name is coffees1stluv and i am  team gravy baby ! and there you have it  as  i have now  been  gravy free for 3 days i wanted to share with you .. but i swear to you anytime i walk past kfc and see the gravy  pump i get a tingle, so now im at starbucks stalking my prey , ooh waitress can i get a refill  .. yeah i  need a cup of coffee 2 creamers 3 sugars and ill holla

so  if all dogs go to heaven , then all steaks reside in the in the  Midwest , chicken is distributed throughout the world , and pigs .. well they are right here in chic-fil-a . i tell you  this is  the truth  because as  i am typing right now i am  eating a  bacon, ham, pork chop sandwich. ( can someone  get me  the blood pressure medicine) no wait  i don't need it  b/c the  pigs here in chic -fil-a are  heaven  made with no   adverse side effects , i don't know if its the  hot weather , the fact that the dishes are cooked in  sugar and spice and everything nice .. but that meaty little Wilbur just makes me happy ... so as the  sun is  beginning to set on my time  here in chic -fil-a I'm left to ponder .. how the  hell can  i sneak over  5 pounds of bacon back to the states without this  not looking odd ... i know ill sing a little song to customs ... well until then its me and the  pork riding and dying one  baconater at a time .. hey   excuse me can i get a cup of coffee .. 2 creamers 3 sugars and ill holla ......